TGIF Jokes

Job Interview 'Killer Question'

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

What did he say?
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams!"
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

TGIF

There was a young lady who was totally exhausted from a week's worth of work. Finally, it was time for her to end her work day and go home.

As she entered the elevator, she sighed a triumphant, "T-G-I-F...," and began to relish the thought of going home and relaxing the weekend away.

It so happened that there was a man on the elevator with her and heard her jubilant exclamation.

His reply to her was, "S-H-I-T."

Now the woman was not sure if she heard the man correctly and she was determined not to let this man ruin her beautiful weekend she had ahead of her, so again she stated more strongly, "T-G-I-F!" and glared at the man, daring him to repeat his obscenity.

The man made eye contact and stated matter-of-factly, "S-H-I-T."

This infuriated the young woman, so with hands on her hips she stated, "How dare you use profane language like that in front of a lady! I was saying, T-G-I-F...'Thank Goodness it's Friday'. What is wrong with you!?"

The man was amused at her outrage and with a smirk on his face replied,

"S-H-I-T. 'Sorry, Honey... it's THURSDAY!"

And with that walked off the elevator with a spunky step.


The best 'dear john' letter ever

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky


The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:


Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky


Top 5 Snappy Answers

Snappy Answer #1
A stewardess was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the shelf stacker, "Do these chickens get any bigger?" He replied, "No, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3
The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the policeman said. The lad replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4
A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and walks around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck?" The lorry driver says, "No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

and finally...
#5, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-@rse bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s3xual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter. When silence is restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Credit Cards Busted

I had a personal experience recently with credit cards ripping me off. I had a 0% credit card supposedly until the end of the year. The company was respectable, I cannot mention the name (it's one of the big ones), so I thought I had nothing to worry about. BAD IDEA! When I got it about 6 months ago, they claimed 0% until november 2009 with no minimum payments. So I used the card and tried to pay at least a little every month not to get a huge surprise come november. However I had some financial troubles a couple months ago and did not pay anything to that card. It is 0% percent until november with no minimum payment (stated on the balance $0 due), so I decided not to pay anything on it that month.



I usually don't look at the paper statements and just pay my cards and bills online. However this time, the bill for this 0% card came in and I opened it just to get a glimpse at my debt just for the hell of it. Well, what do you know.....everything seems normal, and then I notice that my APR(annual percentage rate) is a whopping 23%!!!!! I am thinking WTF!!! They did not send me a letter warning me of the rate hike or any warning whatsoever. They just decided to charge me more and did not inform me.

So I call the credit card company and they explain that they put me on the default rate because I skipped a payment and did not pay anything for a month (the month I was talking about before with financial troubles). Well no shit assholes, the card is 0% and the payment due said $0, so how in the world can you hike up the rate like that??? The reply was it was in the fine print of our terms and conditions and refused to put the rate back down....




At this point, 2 things come to mind, they are assholes and WTF. I say class action lawsuit (I am sure I'm not the only one that this happened to).... and the card mentioned is CAPITOL ONE mastercard.

Swine Flu Breakdown

Here is some things you need to know about the current swine flu. Here are some quick facts for you.

The earliest confirmed case of the illness was in the town of La Gloria, Veracruz, Mexico, where a boy fell ill on April 2.

La Gloria is located near a pig farming operation that raises nearly one million pigs per year.

The owner of the pig farm is Smithfield Foods.

The first two cases identified (and confirmed) as swine flu were two children living in the United States, in San Diego County and Imperial County, California, who became ill on March 28 and 30.

This new strain was promptly confirmed in Mexico, connecting the new strain to the ongoing outbreak of ILI.

The strain appears to be unusually lethal in Mexico, causing 159 deaths (26 confirmed) so far, mostly in Mexico City.

The Mexican fatalities are mainly young adults of 25 to 45, a common trait of pandemic flu.

Mexican Health Minister José Ángel Córdova on April 24, said "We’re dealing with a new flu virus that constitutes a respiratory epidemic that so far is controllable.

The first death from swine flu occurred on April 13, when a diabetic woman from Oaxaca died from respiratory complications.

In March and April 2009, over 1000 cases of suspected swine flu in humans were detected in Mexico and the southwestern United States.

At a press briefing on April 27, acting CDC director Dr. Richard Besser stated that out of 40 confirmed cases in the United States at that point, only one individual was hospitalized. He also revealed that the median age was 16 years "with a range in age of 7 to 54 years."

Unlike what usually happens in cases of influenza, which inflict a greater number of deaths between the elderly and the children, this strain has, so far, resulted in deaths in people between the ages of 25 and 50.[99] One reason why this might be is that the virus is thought to produce a damaging cytokine storm in young people with an active and healthy immune system.

Swine Flu Symptoms

How can you tell if you might have swine flu and should see a doctor? Here's a checklist of symptoms linked to the disease, which is suspected of killing more than 150 people in Mexico and sickening hundreds more around the globe:

# Fever

# Cough

# Sore throat

# Body aches

# Headache

# Chills

# Fatigue

Some people have also reported diarrhea and vomiting.

The symptoms are similar to those experienced by people infected by other flu strains. In the past,

pneumonia and respiratory failure and deaths have been reported with swine-flu infection. Like seasonal flu, swine flu may cause chronic medical conditions to worsen.

Avoidance Tactics

- frequent washing of hands with soap and water or with alcohol-based hand sanitizers after being out in public

- avoid touching mouth, nose or eyes with hands unless washed hands recently

- There is no risk of flu transmission from consumption of pork.

To Keep track of where it is, check out: Map of outbreak in the U.S.

and now some humor on the subject from some anonymous guy

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies. Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial
stuff around. Wear a mask when out in public places and avoid going out in public as much as possible while the swine flu is spreading. Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR …. You can take the doctor’s office approach. Think about it, when you go
for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.. Why? Because
alcohol kills germs. So…… I put on my mask, walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can’t get you!!!!

Perspective

If you feel confined than this is for you. A pleasant lesson in reality and a hint of humility. Just plain....wow....

Funny Sayings and Quotes TGIF

I never apologize.
I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.
- Homer J. Simpson

"Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect."
- Benny Hill

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
- Rodney Dangerfield

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
- David Letterman

"All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand."

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
- Rich Cook

"42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot"

"The most dangerous position in which to sleep is with your feet on your office desk."

"All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific."
- Jane Wagner.

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
- Dean Martin

"Constipated People Don't Give A crap."

Calvin: "People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world,"
Hobbes: "Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?"
- Calvin and Hobbes

"It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!"

"I never think of the future - it comes soon enough."
- Albert Einstein

"My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil."
- Paul Getty.

"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed."
- Albert Einstein

"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."
- Robert Orben

"Never stand between a dog and the hydrant."
- John Peers.

Top 10 most common thoughts that come up when something has to get done

10. "I'll ask someone else to do it"
9. "It's going to be so easy...."
8. "Why do I have to do this?"
7. "let me see if its available online?"
6. "I'm hungry all of a sudden"
5. "What's on TV?"
4. "What are my plans to chill after wards, need to make plans to chill"
3. "I'll just check my email first...."
2. "I can do it tomorrow"
1. "I need to take a nap first, too tired to do anything now"

Encounter with......evolution

We were feeding some geese at the lake and then some rock n roll bird flew in. It walked from side to side like it just had some fermented fruit sprinkled with some hallucinogen. The bird had spiked hair on its head and was bald on the sides. Is that natural? Maybe someone decided to play a joke on the bird and mess around with it. The poor bugger looked lost to add to it all so we threw it some bread. It had this look of helplessness and sorrow, maybe it was some trait to help it survive, because we instantly felt sorry for it. Perhaps a predator goes to attack it usually and then lets it go out of pity as well, evolution does wonders for it. Might look like a freak, but at least nothing wants to eat it. So, we threw it some bread and unfortunately for the dinosaur mutant drunk bird, one of the geese did not like that it got some bread so the goose chased it away, then flew after it, and gave that retard bird what looked like the avian equivalent of a UFC knockout then waited on top of it for a tapout. The goose landed on top of it and gave it 2-3 nice kicks to the head and the poor bastard stopped moving, so we took off our hats and gave it some silence. We thought our little rock n roll little monster with spiked hair dyed but then after the goose moved away, the little bugger was faking it. We still don't know what kind of bird that was but it was the size of a big duck, bald on sides of head kind of reddish with spiked hair on top of its head. Maybe this is some rapid step in evolution, but what could have caused this? Hold on a second ladies and gentlemen, I think we know why, it must be global warming that's causing this. I don't why that thought hasn't come up before but it always comes in handy when lacking an explanation ;)

Unfounded Expectation

It absolutely warms our souls when people try to help us by reprimanding us behind our backs. So you sit there minding your own business eating with someone from your office and exchanging jokes enjoying the times. Everything is good, and then you start seeing relations deteriorate between the two of you and it becomes unpleasant to be in the same room with the person. Then that person's best friend (your friend too) comes to you and says that they are mad at you because your best friend didn't clean their dishes for them while they were in the lunch room (?????) and not only that, the person telling you this is completely on their side brainwashed. Hahahaha....WTF? Why should my best friend clean your dishes, on what basis do you think that is okay? Not only that but they can't even tell you themselves or to your friend, they make it as uncomfortable as possible and do it all behind your back, and you and your friend don't even know what you did wrong.
Then they go and tell you that it is for your own good because then your best friend will clean your dishes too someday. Why would one try to "help" in such a lowly manipulative unpleasant way? Tell me your thoughts

Thursday

An interesting day indeed. It is the day before friday and the day we start thinking about friday. It's just like any other day really except it is not. I would even venture out and say it is the best day of the week. You start thinking about your weekend and just that thought brightens your mood and day. The mere thought of being able to lay back makes us feel better. Consider it the day of dreams. We conjure up different ideas of how we want to spend the weekend and how great it will be. Then comes the weekend and it's over before you know it. The ironic thing is that you feel better about the weekend sometimes than you do during the weekend. Our thoughts paint the picture nicely and it doesn't always get painted during the weekend. I like the weekend and friday, don't get me wrong, but sometimes thinking and day dreaming about it is more fun than the actual thing. An interesting day indeed.

Circle of trust

Everything seems to be going so perfectly wrong with our economy. The dollar has fallen in value, the consumer index is down, the auto industry is failing, and the banks are struggling.

Blah blah blah, I don't want to hear it, it's the banks that really need our help. We need to give our money to the banks so they can successfully continue to be profitable and continue to successfully be taking our money. Not the homeless family, not grandpa Phil who just lost his retirement money, they don't need our help. Families stick together so they'll find a way and grandpa Phil, well, he is old because he is a survivor, so he'll be alright.

I feel as though I am in middle school and everyone is forced to skip recess because of rainy weather but the weathermen are outside laughing at us, telling us kids what a nice day it is for them on the beach. Why thank you bank men, would you like my favorite chocolate chip almond cookie too?

The Flight

Today is one piece of your life, the flight,

We strive to achieve, to believe, to love, to do what's right.

It is a journey every day and night,

It's never easy, it's always a fight!

Life itself ain't black n white, it just isn't that plain,

Some things are seen only after you experience pain.

What's done is done,

There is no turnin back, hope it was fun, second chances, there are none.

That's what reality is,

Don't care what anyone says.

Whatever you do, remember not to forget,

You live once, I am willing to bet.

You will also live today only once, think twice,

Cause I can't tell you what happens next.

A slight of hand, a throw of the dice,

You can't figure it out, it's too complex.

Today is your life, the heartfelt goodbye of tomorrow,

Cherish your moments, remember your sorrow.

You are here for me just like I am here for you,

Look around, that's bullshit, that just ain't true.

Most people don't get it, we take it for granted, we don't take the time,

Seems, as if, caring for someone in today's world is a crime.

We expecting of people, less and less,

Whether right or wrong, if you get this.... god bless.

Be the person you want to be,

Realize…. you not on your own,

Some people care, I hope you see.

I know it hurts to the bone,

But the truth is that we all, at some point, feel alone.

No matter if you are thrown or known,

Don't let anything bother you, be a stone.


As long as you, during your flight, shine bright,
People will care for you cause in a world of darkness, you are the light